Heyya,
It's me. Back again to throw you a bunch of complicated thoughts. Those linger on my mind for months and I don't even know what is this about. What exactly I have in my mind that bothers me and reduces the amount of my productivity each day, and on top of that, I don't know who I am anymore.
It's me. Back again to throw you a bunch of complicated thoughts. Those linger on my mind for months and I don't even know what is this about. What exactly I have in my mind that bothers me and reduces the amount of my productivity each day, and on top of that, I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't even know which story to begin with. These past years, 2020 and 2021 were and are hard for people due to the pandemic. It affects people's lives not only on surface levels, but also unconsciously shapes the way we see lives, the way we value things, and consider everything that we have been taken for granted.
The story Afu wrote on her blog has inspired me to write and process my feelings more. To also train my brain to have the structure in which thoughts I should prioritize. The story is about separation. How I saw them back then as a young couple who lived their life and went through everything together although some people might think that they were not a perfect fit. But how can people judge what we are and we, also let them do it and sometimes consume us to believe that we are that person?
In that post, Afu explains that writing helps her to digest and process her way of thinking, and also what exactly she faced. And this is exactly what I am trying to do.
It was on June, 1st 2020. I woke up late and almost skipped my duty. I turned off my Whatsapp or any social media notification because I, as usual, had trouble sleeping. So I turned my phone off, I couldn't remember. But the first thing I did after I woke up was check on my phone.
There were many missed calls, missed videocalls, Whatsapp messages, and Instagram notifications.
That stated "Ayik meninggal, Hun"
That stated "Ayik meninggal, Hun"
And the pictures that followed after the messages validated everything on that message that it was true.
I was… speechless. I mean I know this will happen one day, but I was not expecting it to come that day, I think neither did all my family members. I was not able to talk on Eid Day because I was too busy with my friends, I was not able to talk with him and forget when was the last time I talked to him. I was not there to see all the process. I happened one night, and I was not able to see him for the last time.
My friends knew about what happened. I didn't even go out of my bedroom, hard to see people if I was this vulnerable and at that time, I didn't want my housemates to see me crying. I was empty. But sad, but the empty feeling dominated my heart. I never experienced this before. Ayik was the first person.
It was at nine in the evening that I decided to go out of bed and tried to do something that comforted me, cooking. I choose to cook pempek because it gave me a familiar feeling to be at home. The other reason why I cooked that night was also that, Ayik would always eat what I cooked. He said that my sambal was too spicy, but still, he ate it anyway. One time when I was 14/15 years old and try to bake a cake without following the exact measurement and recipe, and it turned bad. Ayik just came to the kitchen and said "sini Ayik makan, pasti enak kok" after pointing to the unappetizing creature I made.
People say grandparents will love you more than your actual parents. And I do agree. I spent my childhood with them and without being disrespectful to my parents, my grandparents played such an important role in my upbringing.
By writing this I do realize how avoidant I was. Try to cope with the sadness by not processing my emotion. And this writing helps. I was crying, still, as I was writing this post. But I believe, this is part of the process, the journey to understand yourself more.
I will continue writing, and carefully pick my words because it is also a prayer.
Dresden, 10.12.2021
12:41
12:41
