Heyya,
it is crazy that right now I am writing the first post in 2022. Wow. Time. flies. so. fast. I do pray that Allah gives barakah in the time we spend every day.
This post is still about me trying to process my emotion because that way, I can learn more. This time, I'm trying to recall one experience.
The death of my grandmother.
"Death is inevitable," a friend said to me. And yes, among all uncertainty in life, death is the most certain thing. And losing people you love and not going to see them forever again is still a strange feeling to me. I cried, yes I did. But the fear constantly comes, when will I be there? do I have enough if Allah says "time is up, now get back to me?"
To me, losing Iti (my grandmother) was shocking. I mean, when people know how her condition was before she died, people somehow can "predict". Because she had been sick for over a year, laying on the bed, she could even eat and drink, we have to make something for her and put it on the tube that went through her larynx because she was not able to swallow. She was sick. Doctors said that something happened in her stomach, her gastric, and colons. She could not speak, nor she could recognize my face at that time, as I was home in December 2019 with her, she tried to see me, but she could not speak anything. At that time, she was being hospitalized. I saw my parents' faces, actually, my dad said to me "what if I am there but you could not even make it home?" and Citra, yes the cold-hearted (believe me I was trying hard to hide my emotions) back then just said, "yeah, try to live healthily so you will not suffer any sickness". I was so mean. I know I was not ready to be involved in that kind of conversation.
Okay back again, where were we?
Because her condition was worsened, I was decided to fly back home in September. She was being hospitalized again, no I think after that my parent decided to bring her back home. So the ticket was bought, but at that time, the coronavirus was still spreading so I need to do some paperwork to ensure my ability to fly. I was still working at the architecture firm that morning, but I know I was not concentrated that day because of the news I got last night. And my boss saw it, I said to him that I will go back home in two days, so I will stay at his apartment (owned by him but he did not live there) so I could cut the one-hour or two hours commute to Cologne. He said, "what happened? you looked distracted". I said, "yeah, I heard the news about my grandma". He insisted that I have to change my flight schedule and fly tomorrow so I can spare more time at home. After consulting with my sister, I rescheduled my flight.
The next thing I know is I was looking for a place to do a PCR Test (back then, it was only possible at the hospital) which was not far from Cologne and the result comes within hours. So I found it in Düsseldorf, near the central station. I was informed that before I flew the next day, the result would already be there.
So I went back to Aachen, my phone was off and I felt so exhausted. I was sleeping in the train, and after one and half hours I was already in Aachen. That time, I think I went straight to my friend's bedroom to print out documents before flying tomorrow. I still heard his voice as he prepared a box for his family in Indo, he already knew that my flight was changed. I charged my phone. It was on and the first massage I saw was "Iti ninggal hun"
Oh, here we go again. This time is not like it was before. I suddenly could not hold my tears. It was just one day, why could I not be there now? Among all five stages of grieves that I know, my first response to Iti's death was anger and regret. I know, Allah has written our Takdir after He gives us ruh while we still in womb, 120 days after the alaq was formed. But my very humanistic response that time was it, I felt bad right now, but it was what I felt.
By the way, my friend was still talking to me, and after noticing that I didn't respond, he turned his face to me and saw me crying. And I think he already knew what happened.
And yeah, I was feeling so sad because I could probably fly earlier than that day, but no regret. Iti is already by Allah's side and I was relieved to remember the time I could spend during her stay at the hospital, the time I spent nursing her, and the most important thing, the time I spent with her during my childhood.
Iti was the first person I pray shalat maghrib berjamaah with, She taught me duas, she cooked for me, she knew also my love for cooking for the family, because I got that maybe from her. Iti was so beautiful, she also got a very pretty name, Salmah binti Jakfar.
May Allah grant her the best place in Jannah for Iti and Ayik.
May Allah also reunite them again in Jannah, aamiin)
Dresden, 18.01.2022
12:36
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